I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
