i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize