he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
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