I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
