i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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