I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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