Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
