Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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