I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Come share oat with me in your robe
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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