I think im going to throw up on grandma
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
