Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
