I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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