woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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