I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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