Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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