the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
