I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
