Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
