She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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