All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
