and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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