My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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