I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
