you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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