Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
