just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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