im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
