Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
