I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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