I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
