Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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