You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
