I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize