i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
