How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize