dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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