i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
