Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
