Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
