Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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