this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
