If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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