I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
