I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
