i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
