getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
