The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
