I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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