I wish my penis had an off switch
i think i have herpe
just one?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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