i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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