my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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