I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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