You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
