You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
