My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There's always time for handjobs
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize